Facebook dilemma

This morning I opened my facebook and saw a notification - a friend suggested me to add someone in my list. So I click the link and..... Alamak....... it's him!!!!!!!.... Tiba-tiba hati saya terasa gedebak-gedebuk. Teringat suatu ketika dahulu betapa saya cuba untuk lari dari mamat ini. Asal nampak je kelibat dia, secara automatik badan saya akan terarah untuk pusing 180 darjah ke hala lain. Secara automatik, kaki saya kan mendapat kudrat untuk berjalan dengan begitu laju sekali. Aduuuuhaiiii..... camnalah kau boleh muncul lagi ni?....

Suatu ketika dulu.. masa tu saya tengah buat Matric first year kat Taiping. There was this guy from the class next door wanted to get to know me better. My first reaction -"hmm... no chemistry". But.. this guy is not an ordinary guy next door. Mamat ni sebenarnya kategori alim-alim gitulah. Bekas student sekolah agama & masa kat Matric tu selalulah jadi Imam kat musolla. Kira macam Islamic lah, pandai & respectable lah dikalangan students masa tu. So when he tried to approach me (through kiriman salam & notes, chocolates, burgers, cards etc), I was pressured by everybody to accept him. Datanglah rakan-rakan bertudung labuh mentazkirahkan saya betapa bertuahnya saya sebab lelaki sebegitu minat kat saya yang jahiliyah ini. I must admit lah he was different from those guys that I met before yang some tu (I repeat SOME ya.. nanti kang ada yang kucik hati... kih.. kih...) memang hanya good-for-nothing ie kaki ponteng sekolah, kaki pukul, gangster kampung. After much persuasion from rakan-rakan sebaya, i gave in & decided to give him a chance & get to know him better.

At first oklah jugak kan. I tried to get to know him by listening to his tazkirahs in musolla. Sometimes I replied his cards. But deep inside my heart, I must admit... there was no chemistry. I was being pressured kiri kenan depan belakang. But still... I continued layan jugaklah mamat ni. Who knows lama-lama boleh suka kan (lagipun masa tu takde orang lain approach me..kuing..kuing..kuing.... & I guess I enjoyed receiving gifts from him.. terasa glamer). And I guess... after some time, i did like him jugaklah kot.. Ntah.. tak ingat.. dah lama sangat........

But after some time, he started to change. Dia mula jadi kurang Islamic. I don't knowlah mungkin he thought I would like him better if he start to be like normal boys ie "fly" (panjat pagar sekolah during non-outing hours). Dia dah kurang jadi imam. Dia dah tak malu-malu dah bila bercakap. He started to mix with budak2 nakal. I noticed his changes and I disliked those changes. He was not being himself & I partly blamed myself for that. Pasal aku ke dia dah tak jadi alim? One day, one last straw...... he "fly" one night to meet me at the bus station. I was travelling back to JB that night. And just before the bus jalan, he extended his hand to salam me. What?!!! Mamat alim ni mahu salam aku ke? Oh no.... what have I done to him?... Even though I was no angel, but when it comes to sentuh-sentuh laki pompuan unnecessarily ni I memang jaga lah jugak kan. Tambah pulak masa Matric tu lah I baru berjinak-jinak nak jadi a better Muslimah lah konon-kononnya kan. So I was really like terkejut & refused to shake hands with him. Lepas tu... I mula bosan... & kadang2 meluat dengan mamat ni.... I decided to give him a chance back then because I thought he would transform me or at least make me a better person..... but turned out hmm... sama je dengan orang lain.

To cut the story short, I started to avoid him. kalau nampak dia, I pusing hala lain. I stopped replying his letters or notes or salams. But my mistake was that i did not come clean to him. I should have just told him to forget me or something like that but I didn't have the courage to do that. I was afraid that I would hurt him badly. So.. lari-melari ajelah yang boleh i buat.....

Once after we finished matric during one long holiday, he came down to JB (he's a Perakian) just to meet me. But he had no friends in JB at that time so he stayed at one of my classmate's house in Muar. One day dia datang JB naik bas dari Perak ke Muar dan dari Muar ke JB, all the way just to see me. But bila dia dah sampai JB I gave him excuses that I was not available. So dia balik ke my friend's house kat Muar semula. A few days after that kebetulan another classmate of mine buat kenduri kakak dia kawin also in Muar. I went to my friend's house with my family and to my surprise he was there!!! Oh tidak...... but luckily I was with my parents so I just went to see him briefly and told him that I got to rush.

Fast forward.... masuk Matric 2nd year at the main campus. I teruskan lagi aktiviti lari-melarikan diri. At that time I had a male good friend (hanya kawan okay) at that time (someone that I knew since schooling days). Me and that guy (the JB guy) memang baik & selalu pegi makan. People started to gossip me with that JB guy.. and I think he thought that there was something between and that guy. So that alim guy pun macam dah slow down. But I still couldn't face him. I felt guilty so I tried to avoid him as much as I could.

Fast forward.... after matric, dia dapat buat Engineering kat branch campus in Perak. So... saya amat lega. Even though he had stopped pursuing me long time before that, but I felt really guilty & rasa tak aman kalau nampak dia. Orang kalau dah buat salah memang camtu.. hidup tak tenteram..

And now... thanks but no thanks to technology.... He's back. I'm sure that by now he's already married and probably with many kids.. but I still don't have the courage to "see" him. Guilty sangat ok sebab mmg I kejam sangat dulu. A lot of people marah me for what I did. But I was only a teenager then (19 kira tenager lagi kan?) ..... he..he... Hmmmm..... should I just click that "ignore" button. Would that be appropriate? I'm sure he's "seen" me on Facebook, but he didn't add me either. Dia marah or sakit hati lagi kot?... But dia marah ke tak marah, I rasa sangat tak selesa nak add dia. Maybe I should just leave it like that....

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